HAPPY ALMOST LONGEST

DAY OF SUMMER!

How in the world did June happen?

Where’s May?

Oh, yes…it’s still somewhere in a pocket in my suitcase, between the fried hair dryer (I forgot you are not supposed to stick an American hair dryer into an Italian plug…it screams WHEEEEEEEE , turns bright red, and dies a hideous death) and the postcards from  Switzerland that I meant to mail four weeks ago.

It’s been a wild  few weeks since last we confabbed. And wonderful!  And wearying!

(That’s me up until about two days ago.)

Where to start?

San Francisco…where it all began so LONNNNNG ago…my return to the elegant old Sir Francis Drake Hotel with my all Jacques Brel concert, CHANSON.

We all had a fabulous time…my  brilliant music director/pianist Michele Brourman and my tall and totally talented bass player, Larry Tuttle and Moi.

It was wondrously spooky to be singing all those  Brel songs  for the first time in  forty, count them, forty years back in the city where I  first learned them, got my Equity card, fell in love forever. Whew! Talk about a crock pot of memories!Or should I say fondue?

Then to New York Sooty for a workshop on the musical that will not die…DANGEROUS BEAUTY. This time we had the glorious addition to our music team of  AnnMarie Milazzo as vocal arranger-conductor- goddess…

(Ann Marie)

(Music team…AnnMarie, Michele B, Me, Chris Jahnke and martinis!)

and the astounding Benoit Swam-Pouffre as choreographer. (He was trapped in the first wave of volcano madness, stuck in Berlin when the cloud flew over. He came to us three days late after traveling from Berlin to Rome BETWEEN CARS on a train…then a plane to Morocco…then a plane from Morocco to JFK. He wins the badge for determination. I would have just said “Shoot me” and  laid down on the tarmac.)

We worked with some of the most awesome singers and dancers it has ever been my priveledge  to experience…

(that’s our star, the divine Jenny Powers)

Chris & Jane Pole

(our villain… the outrageously talented and truly nice Chris Jackson with the best and strictest stage manageress in the business … Jane Pole)

Our hero, Aaron Lazar, was busy tending to Catherine Zeta Jones on Broadway, and a 6 month old baby off, so I never got his  photo. And he is so worth looking at!

…under the  genius eye of our own Tony-nominated director, Sheryl Kaller.

At the end of two weeks we wound up with a fantastic presentation that pretty much blew the roof off the building. And what a building! We were in the best rehearsal space in all of NYC, right across from the Lion King on 42nd Street ( and right across the street from the attempted bombing, which happened 3 hours after  we got out of there. Double whew!)  I kept running into people like Alan Rickman (be still my heart) and the Bergmans in the elevator. Ah, NYC. One must always remember to wear eye make up and brush ones teeth in New York. You never know who you’ll be in an elevator with.

It was INTENSE, EXCITING, EXHAUSTING! NEVER ENDING!

My dear composer pal David Friendman was at one of the presentations, and he offered me this quote, which I treasure: ”I don’t know if Adolf Hitler is still alive, but if he is, I hope he’s out of town with a musical.” Larry Gelbart.

AND…cherry on the NYC Sundae…I got to go to the Carlysle with Tovah Feldshuh for Elaine Stritch’s opening. Oh my f^&*)*&^%$# God! Here’s what I scribbled on my napkin.

“The exciting moment … going with Tovah F to see the opening night of Elaine Stritch at the Carlysle doing an evening of all Sondheim. To sit 15 feet from one of my heroines , singing the music of  one of my great musical heroes, and watch her every breath … the excitement and fear in her eyes that I know so well on a first night…her PERFECT story telling. ROSE’S Turn as a second number was pretty damn daring! She RECITED “EVERY DAY A LITTLE DEATH” as  the beautiful poem it is. And she closed, of course, with LADIES WHO LUNCH. A true “I was there!” moment.

Then I came home  for two days…to pet the dogs, wash the unmentionables, and REPACK for…

SWITZERLAND….LAKE COMO…TUSCANY…FLORENCE!!!!!!!!

Small world moment … one of my wonderful singing students from last year in Tuscany, Giselle Wolf, and her  husband Stuart Ungar, invited us to join them at their  apartment in Switzerland on our way back to Tuscany for my second year of teaching master classes at Il Chiostro. We asked them where their apartment was. They told us,”Oh, you won’t know it. It’s a tiny town  high in the Swiss Alps called Haute Nendaz.” Well, we had only lived there 40 years before, teaching  theatre in the boy scout camp that called itself THE UNIVERSITY OF THE NEW WORLD ( it WAS the 70’s!) that  is now their garage!

So we  snuck under the volcanic cloud to Switzerland…

- alps

(the view from their  living room window)

G and Me (Giselle and me wandering through a neighboring village, Heidi, where ARE you?)

Spent three days there, drove over the Simplon Pass from the Swiss Alps to the Italian ( Unbelievably beautiful and  hugely intimidating) to Lake Como, where we stayed for three more days (me looking in every trattoria and gelataria for George Clooney, of course).

and then on to  a wonderful, miraculous week of  eating and drinking and singing and singing and singing at San Fedele…

me at Volpaia

and THEN…the chocolate on the  Canoli…FLORENCE!!! Where we stayed in a 15th Century Medici Palazzo in the heart of the city called Palazzo Torno Buoni, now restored and operated by the Four Seasons, thank you very much. The MOST elegant building I have ever set a foot into…chandeliers in the bathrooms, for heaven’s sake!  It is so top of the line Italian decorated elegant you want to have mad sex with the kitchen implements. Oh, the TOASTER!

We performed a concert in the room where the very first opera was performed in 1504 for the Pope. Astounding!

And then we headed for the airport and home,  and sneaked under the cloud YET AGAIN.

As I was walking through Italian security, which is MUCH more Italian than ours, I remembered this e-mail I received…

*Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.*

*Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.  Justice would be quick and swift.  Case closed!

This is so simple that it’s brilliant.  I can see it now: you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.*

*Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, “Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number…”

Works for me!*

And home we finally came…back to the garden…

… to a diet of water and cucumbers…a new exercise routine…

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

(who have just returned from Italy):

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Okay, then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Words To Eat By

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.”–C.S. Lewis.

And here is my summer time handy hint for all of  you out door-sy types!

TICKS!

Spring is here and the ticks will soon be showing in heads. Here is a good way to get them off you, your children, or your pets Give it a try. Please forward to anyone with children… or hunters or dogs, or anyone who even steps outside in summer!!  A School Nurse has written the info below — good enough to share — And it really works!!I had a pediatrician tell me what she believes is the best way to remove a tick. This is great, because it works in those places where it’s some times difficult to get to with tweezers: between toes, in the middle of a head full of dark hair, etc. Apply a glob of liquid soap to a cotton ball. Cover the tick with the soap-soaked cotton ball and swab it for a few seconds (15-20), the tick will come out on its own and be stuck to the cotton ball when you lift it away. This technique has worked every time I’ve used it (and that was frequently), and it’s much less traumatic for the patient and easier for me. Unless someone is allergic to soap, I can’t see that this would be damaging in any way. I even had my doctor’s wife call me for advice because she had one stuck to her back and she couldn’t reach it with tweezers. She used this method and immediately called me back to say, “It worked!”

Few things in life I hate…ticks is one of them. N0-see-ems another. Bloodsuckers in general…and that includes Citibank! Don’t get me started!

On a different note…

I  had a letter waiting for me when I returned from a dear pal from high school, who is an  Marine ex-chopper pilot  and a wonderful writer and a real humanist named Fleet Lentz. He has just returned from filming a documentary in Afganistan. He was filled with wonder at the country and its people and our people there and said to me when he asked many of our young military personnel why they were there on their third and fourth rotations they unanimously told him so their families would have health coverage. Food for thought.

So, as I come down from the wondrous high of the past   many days, and try NOT to AVOID looking at the MSNBC news and the morning paper in despair at what is going on in this struggling world, I strive to find hope where I can. In a conversation with my favorite 86 year old philosopher pal Dorothy, who has seen so much, and said to me…” 2012…It’s not about destruction….or the end of the world… It’s about change. It’s always about change.  And how we face it and flow with it and create what is better within it. And GROW UP!”  I  say bless you ,Dorothy, for being a hoper. Hope in difficult times is imperative.

I found this song in my notebook the other day, which I wrote with my pal Joel Silberman. I thought it appropriate for the moment. I share it with you now.

I MISS MONICA. I MISS BILL.

I MISS THE TIME BEFORE

THE SLIME OF GREED

DEVOURED CAPITOL HILL…

BEFORE THE BANKERS AND THEIR CRONIES

CAUSED US SUCH DISTRESS…

WHEN THE BIGGEST STAIN

ON OUR COUNTRY’S NAME

INVOLVED A SMALL BLUE DRESS …

I MISS HONESTY. I MISS TRUST…

THE GRACEFUL GUISE OF COMPROMISE

THE INNOCENCE OF LUST.

HOW I LONG FOR THAT SIMPLE SONG

SHE PLAYED ON A WARM HARMONICA,

BACK WHEN WE WERE THE GOOD GUYS…

BACK IN THE DAYS OF MONICA.

THEY SAY THERE’S A BLESSING FOR EVERY CURSE,

THAT TROUBLE MAKES ONE WISE ,

SO I SEARCH FOR A ROPE…A LIFERAFT OF HOPE…

AS THE ICE CAPS MELT AND THE DEFICITS RISE.

FAREWELL MOYERS . HELLO HANNITY.

TODAY THE FOURTH ESTATE IS SECOND RATE

DROWNING IN TABLOID INANITY.

IT SEEMS THAT RUSH AND GLEN AND SARAH

ARE THE STARS THEY FAWN UPON-ICA

GIVE ME A DAY OF JFK OR EVEN THAT REAGAN…RON-ICA.

I KNOW IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST JUST BEFORE THE DAWN-ICA

AND SO I SEND THIS HEARTFELT PLEA

TO THE MUCH MALIGNED MS. MONICA…

MONICA, I MISS YOU. COME HOME!

Happy Summer! Here’s to happiness,  good health, creativity, and healing for the Gulf!!!

Love

Amanda

Happy Daylight savings time!

Happy Passover!

Happy Easter!

Okay, it’s officially Spring!  Nature is being creative and there are cute baby creatures everywhere.

(Sometimes I think perhaps Nature gets a little too creative…or maybe just high.)

Anyway…it’s gorgeous in my backyard. Between the blooming of the star jasmine, the wysteria, the orange blossoms, and the mock orange, it smells  like a really upscale whorehouse in my back yard ( somewhat like that Voyeur Club in West Hollywood I have been hearing so much about on the news of late, I imagine.) And the Orioles are back, in all their golden splendour, and the  Cedar Waxwings, looking like so many Frito Bandidos in the silver maple. My observation of the upcoming easter holiday is to stand in my back yard and say “Thank You!”

My pal Joel, who is joyfully Jewish, says of Passover that the motto for all happy Jewish holidays is “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat!”

Sounds like a T-shirt motto to me!

So how has your Spring been so far?

( I know I shouldn’t ask that of you there in the East, who are growing gills as I type. I hope you start drying out very soon.)

Mine has been quite entertaining. I traveled to  a strange new land, Indianapolis, to perform  at a gorgeous venue called  The Cabaret at the Columbia Club, in the heart of Indianapolis. A GORGEOUS old stone building in he heart of the city, directly across the street from one of the most evil Chocolate Shops in the WORLD, where they serve your coffee mocha with REAL mocha  and you stir it with a milk chocolate spoon.  You have to stir FAST! It was the most decadent thing I have put in my mouth since my college days, I am thinking. (Don’t ask!!!)

We had a ball. The people were divine and enthusiastic and friendly and loved  the shows, which shows their impeccable good taste, And the high point… I found  out not only Cole Porter, but Hoagy Carmichale , are from Indiana.  And on the top floor of the Columbia Club, in a quiet old  empty ballroom, sits the beautiful burlwood piano Hoagy used to play when he performed in Indianapolis! One of the precious moments of my life was sitting  in the window seat looking down on the heart of  the city, while Michele Brourman played a gentle SKYLARK on that very piano as the sun was setting. My neck hairs still rise in pleasure at the thought.

THEN  I took my first EVER trip to NYC, the Big Sooty, JUST to see theater. I had never done that before. There have always been eyelashes and pantyhose and a job in my travel future. But not this time!!!! My honey and I wanted to go to see the opening of the wonderful pay NEXT FALL, that my dear, genius pal Sheryl Kaller was directing…her Broadway debut. We decided why not go whole hog, stay 4 days and see five plays. That was about all one COULD see in the storm of the century that hit the city just as we did. Sideways rain. I have heard about it.

So we saw:

NEXT FALL…so smart and so compassionate and beautifully  acted and directed!

TIME STANDS STILL starring Laura Linney and Brian D’Arcy James ( my New York hero)…thought provoking and  so smartt!

FELA!… an astounding musical event, starring the most beautiful actor/dancers and the best band I have ever experienced.

A BEHANDING IN SPOKANE with Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell…need I say ANYTHING??? I laughed myself sick. (Walken in the flesh, and Rockwell too. Men I have :lusted for for aeons. I can die happy now.)

and finally…

THE SCOTSBORO BOYS… the final musical by John Kander and Fred Ebb, starring John Cullum. Deep and disturbing and beautiful .

And what a thrill to hear unheard Kander and Ebb! That’s like discovering the lost Beatles album.

AND I got to hug John Kander and gush at him afterwards.

The first time we met, we were both at the Grammy’s. The only time the songwriters were invited to sing their own songs. He and Fred were up for NEW YORK, NEW YORK and I for THE  ROSE. They were both so nervous  at the thought of singing on  television they could hardly breathe. I tied both their bow ties for them and taught them instant Lamaze breathing and we both lost to Christopher Cross and SAILING.  What a night!

On this trip I realized that I had seen five spectacularly  fine pieces of theater. I felt as if I had been locked in a Godiva Chocolate factory for four days. My mind was FAT with all I had seen. What I love the most about theater is its instant ability to truly disturb you and  make you think, so much more so than film or TV…mediums I adore. Theater is the most precious of the performing arts, and should be much more nurtured than it is!

That’s my forty-two cents!

That’s what I have been doing..and feeding my roses…and walking my dogs…and getting ready for adventures about to occur…concerts in Tucson and San Francisco, and a DANGEROUS BEAUTY workshop in New York for two weeks, and then Tuscany, my Tuscany in May. Yahoo!!!

Speaking of Tucson…there is a wonderful theater company there I have mentioned before  called The Pastime Players… last Spring Michele and I were there to perform and we wound up recording a song we wrote, called SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, with the company, and it became the title for a wonderful documentary about this company of developmentally  disadvantaged performers. also called SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, which has just made its way into two film festivals. Yay!!!!! Good deeds in a weary world.

So,  here’s my culture corner.

PRECIOUS ( oh, wow! SO much more than I thought it would be.)

CIRQUE D’FREAK…a great vampire romp

TV:

THE PACIFIC…truly one of the best things television has ever produced.

TEMPLE GRANDIN with Claire Danes

Music:

One Eskimo…what a turn on!  If the Beatles were born in 1990’s.

And a return to the beauty that is FLOYD COLLINS.

Book:

The Enchantress of Florence..Salmon Rushdie…a baked alaska for the mind

The recipe of the moment!

Carmelized Pears and Red Onions!

Yumm!!!!

Prep: 5 minutes

Total: 45 minutes
Serves 4

Ingredients

    •    2 firm, ripe red pears, such as Bartlett, cored and quartered
    •    2 red onions, each cut into 6 wedges
    •    1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
    •    Coarse salt and freshly ground pepper

Directions

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Drizzle pears and onions with oil. Season with salt and pepper, and toss. Spread mixture in a single layer on a rimmed baking sheet. Roast, turning pieces occasionally, until golden brown, about 40 minutes.

My favorite cartoon:

My favorite bit of  cynicism:

How Fairy Tales REALLY End!

Cinderella:

Sleeping Beauty:

The Little Mermaid

Newspaper article:

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper -

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
 Looks like a rat. Been out a while. 
Better be a big reward.

NORDIC TRACK
 $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
 Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER: 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Husband knows everything..

My favorite shaggy dog story:

GIRLFRIENDS

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Café Monet restaurant because the waiters there are totally hot.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group plans to meet again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Café Monet because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group plans to meet again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Café Monet because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group plans to meet again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Café Monet because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group plans to meet again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Café Monet because they have never been there before.

(I hate to admit I can SO identify!)

And my favorite inspirational story from my pal,  Doug Motel, doting father of gorgeous daughter, Maitrea.

He gave me permission to quote from his blog.

Laugh & Learn | March 2010

The Great Way

Our four-year-old daughter Maitreya came out with a wild statement the other day. I was looking at her, thinking how darned cute she was. She hates to be called cute, so I said, ‘You’re the most beautiful girl in the world.’ She got this faraway look in her eyes and said, with her ‘you silly daddy’ voice, ‘Dad, I know I’m beautiful, but I am not more beautiful than any other girl.’ She said it as a very matter-of-fact statement with no drama attached to it.

So far, Treya has shown herself to be a person who spends very little energy reflecting on the opinion of others (no matter how crazy it makes us). I have never heard even a slightly self-deprecating comment from her, and her tone here was not a put-down at all. Still, my first thought was that someone must have told her that she was not more beautiful than other girls and I wanted to strangle them. After all, part of my job here is to make her feel like she is the most beautiful girl in the world, right?

‘Who told you that?’ I asked, trying to not to sound too urgent.

‘Nobody told me that. I told myself. I am beautiful, but not any more beautiful than any other girl’, she explained patiently.

I flashed on this little Zen booklet that I keep next to my side of the bed. Hsin-Hsin Ming (verses on the Faith-Mind) was written by the seventh-century Zen patriarch, Seng Ts’an. In it, he says:

If you wish to know truth, then hold to no opinions for or against anything.
To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.

I realized that Maitreya was right. All little girls and boys are beautiful. Everything here is equally beautiful if you are looking at it from the right place. What, after all, is really the hidden agenda under the desire to be ‘the most’ this or that? 

I think that nothing has been more exhausting to my mind and body than judging. Judging is the opposite of peace, I think.

I have known many women who were told that they were the most beautiful girl in the world only to hit age 13 and get panicky about keeping their ‘title’. 

Suddenly, I realized that once again Maitreya had something valuable to teach me.

‘Okay Trey. I see your point. All little girls are beautiful in their own way. Thanks.’ And off we drove to the playground.

Is there a place in YOUR life where you are clinging to a title that has you trapped, like ‘the most effective co-worker’, ‘the most dependable friend’, ‘the most beautiful girl in the group’? What might happen if you entertained the idea of letting the importance of that go?

Thank you, Doug!

That’s my thinking for now.

I wish you all a joyous April,and may you keep Spring

in your heart !

Love,

Amanda

(The above is a photo of the  fullest  Blue Moon above Cooper’s Beach, New Zealand on New Year’s night.)

Finally we’re out of the zeros! May the this be a portent of sanity, calm, healing.

I know, I know. It sounds all so very woo woo, but hey…I’m from Ojai.

Woo woo is our second language.

So, how did your year begin? Joyfully , I hope.

We  celebrated wayyyy Down Under,  in New Zealand, where the weather was perfect, the wine  outstanding, and the people incredibly jolly and relatively sane.

This is me on New Year’s Day under a pohutakawa tree, the Kiwi Christmas tree (with a very SLIGHT hangover.)

I was there for a month…till the end of January.  Verrrry dangerous! I forgot who Sarah Palin was and why Conan O’Brien matters. And I missed out on THIS exciting event, the NASCAR-ization of the Supreme Court

Peace and quiet can get you if you’re not looking.

There were dolphins…

…impossibly beautiful beaches

(That’s Rarawa beach on a busy day)

…and good friends who came and stayed and celebrated the newly arrived year to excess!

And the very last 5 days we spent  hiking the Queen Charlotte Track, at the top of New Zealand’s South Island, We hiked  four days and 50 incredibly beautiful miles of trails in  a rain forest  with a party of  hardy pals  and an Amazonian  6 foot goddess for a guide who always smiled, made one hell of a pot of coffee on the trail, and never seemed to get rattled when all about were losing it from time to time. Talk about herding cats!

(That’s us with our goddess, Adriana)

And every night we spent in a different boutique lodge  resting our weary bones in  comfy beds,  with delicious food, and of course,  more WINE!

If you are looking for a FANTASTIC  vacation, check out Wilderness Guides Queen Charlotte Track  Adventure,  Picton,New Zealand! You won’t regret it.

So, now My soul and I have finally reunited back on the other side of the world. All mail has been answered, bills paid, dogs and cats petted, and  2010 can officially begin.

The first time  in 2010 I had to warm up the pipes and pull on the panty hose was for an Ojai Playwrights Festival  gala  celebrating Terence McNally, who was THERE and I got to sit next to him at dinner and  find out for myself what an awesome and delightful man he is. And then I got to sing for him!

I was in pretty high cotton, I tell you, with Sally Fields and John Glover and Stephen Webber and Noah Wiley ( be still my heart!) and Sandra Oh  and Jane Kazmeryk (sp?) and Dana Delaney. It was a blast!

Also, I was just featured in the February issue of this fabulous  high fashion e-magazine called Daeida.

You can go on-line at www.daeida.com and check out  more than everything you EVER wanted to know about me. With some good photos, I might add.  It’s a magazine  about  women  of a certain age who can still stand up straight and put on eyelashes and it is pretty tasty.

Speaking of that, my favorite age-appropriate  bit of humor…

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

…and how was your day?

And upcoming????

CHANSONS Concerts in Tucson (heaven!) and Indianapolis ( first time) and San  Francisco (where it all began) and a Springtime workshop of DANGEROUS BEAUTY…April in New York. Pray that the snow will be gone by then!

And then on to TUSCANY and the May singing workshop for Il Chiostro.

May I say again, to all of you who are looking for an amazing experience, May 15 through 23 at San Fidele is where you want to be!!! There is still room and time to sign up.

Don’t be chicken!

You will not regret it!!!

( I know I know…I’m shilling here, but seriously…this is a truly awesome  way to see Italy and open your heart.)

www.ilchiostro.com

That’s my year so far .  How about yours?

THE CULTURE CORNER:

I recently saw a truly fine production of DOUBT at the Rubicon Theatre. I finally get this play. In the program, was a John Patrick Shanley quote that I found quite thought-provoking:

“I wasn’t particularly interested in writing about the church scandals, and I wasn’t really interested in writing a whodunit. I am more interested in people becoming more accepting  and comfortable with living with doubt because I think that’s one of the big problems we’ve had in this country in the last decade. There’s been this evaporation of doubt as a mark of wisdom. Everyone is very entrenched. True discourse is nowhere to be found. And we’re desperate for it.”

Movies I have seen and loved...

AVATAR, of COURSE!!!!!

A SINGLE MAN ( Colin Firth gets my Oscar)

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS (Quentin Tarantino tickles me pink!)

Books I have read and loved…

The Enchantress of Florence - Salman Rushdie ( delicious!)

The Historian - a GREAT vampire book (and I can’t remember  the authoress’s name.Sigh.)

My favorite photo:

My favorite quote:

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer (121-180)

And so I end this  chapter  wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day,

Joyous Purim, and whatever else you may be celebrating!

I leave you with  the funniest article I have read in a very long time.

Dave Barry’s year in review is LONG and totally hilarious. Grab a cup of something and check this out, and try not to laugh so hard you snort  liquid out your nose.

Dave Barry’s year in review: 2009
By Dave Barry

JACK OHMAN / TMS

It was a year of Hope — at first in the sense of “I feel hopeful!” and later in the sense of “I hope this year ends soon!”

It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting “business as usual,” finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.

To be sure, it was a year that saw plenty of bad news. But in almost every instance, there was offsetting good news:

BAD NEWS: The economy remained critically weak, with rising unemployment, a severely depressed real-estate market, the near-collapse of the domestic automobile industry and the steep decline of the dollar.

GOOD NEWS: Windows 7 sucked less than Vista.

BAD NEWS: The downward spiral of the newspaper industry continued, resulting in the firings of thousands of experienced reporters and an apparently permanent deterioration in the quality of American journalism.

GOOD NEWS: A lot more people were tweeting.

BAD NEWS: Ominous problems loomed abroad as — among other difficulties — the Afghanistan war went sour, and Iran threatened to plunge the Middle East and beyond into nuclear war.

GOOD NEWS: They finally got Roman Polanski.

In short, it was a year that we will be happy to put behind us. But before we do, let’s swallow our anti-nausea medication and take one last look back, starting with. . . .

JANUARY

. . . during which history is made in Washington, D.C., where a crowd estimated by the Congressional Estimating Office at 217 billion people gathers to watch Barack Obama be inaugurated as the first American president ever to come after George W. Bush. There is a minor glitch in the ceremony when Chief Justice John Roberts, attempting to administer the oath of office, becomes confused and instead reads the side-effect warnings for his decongestant pills, causing the new president to swear that he will consult his physician if he experiences a sudden loss of sensation in his feet. President Obama then delivers an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth everything stays much the same.

The No. 1 item on the agenda is fixing the economy, so the new administration immediately sets about the daunting task of trying to nominate somebody — anybody — to a high-level government post who actually remembered to pay his or her taxes. Among those who forgot this pesky chore is Obama’s nominee for Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay $35,000 in federal self-employment taxes. He says that the error was a result of his using TurboTax, which he also blames for his involvement in an eight-state spree of bank robberies. He is confirmed after the Obama administration explains that it inherited the U.S. Tax Code from the Bush administration.

Elsewhere in politics, a team of specially trained wildlife agents equipped with nets and tranquilizer darts manages, after a six-hour struggle, to remove Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from office. He is transported to an undisclosed swamp, where he is released into the wild and quickly bonds with the native ferret population.

On a more upbeat note, the nation finds a new hero in US Airways Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, who, in an astonishing feat of aviation, manages to land a US Airways flight safely in the Hudson River after it loses power shortly after takeoff from LaGuardia. Incredibly, all 155 people on board survive, although they are immediately taken hostage by Somali pirates.

In entertainment news, an unemployed California mother of six uses in-vitro fertilization to give birth to eight more children, an achievement that immediately catapults her to a celebrity status equivalent to that of a minor Kardashian sister. But even this joyous event is not enough to cheer up a nation worried about the worsening economy, which becomes so badin . . .

FEBRUARY

. . . that Congress passes, without reading it, and without actually finishing writing it, a stimulus package totaling $787 billion. The money is immediately turned over to American taxpayers so they can use it to stimulate the economy.

No! What a crazy idea THAT would be! The money is to be doled out over the next decade or so by members of Congress on projects deemed vital by members of Congress, such as constructing buildings that will be named after members of Congress. This will stimulate the economy by creating millions of jobs, according to estimates provided by the Congressional Estimating Office’s Magical Estimating 8-Ball.

Despite this heroic effort, the economy continues to stumble. General Motors, which has sold only one car in the past year — a Buick LaCrosse mistakenly purchased by an 87-year-old man who thought he was buying a power scooter — announces a new four-part business plan, consisting of (1) dealership closings; (2) factory shutdowns;(3) worker layoffs; and (4) traveling backward through time to 1955.

The stock market hits its lowest level since 1997; this is hailed as a great investment opportunity by all the financial wizards who failed to let us know last year that the market was going to tank. California goes bankrupt and is forced to raise $800 million by pawning Angelina Jolie.

The Obama administration’s confirmation woes continue as Tom Daschle is forced to withdraw as nominee for secretary of Health and Human Services following the disclosure that he, too, failed to pay all of his federal taxes. He blames this oversight on the fact that his tax returns were prepared by Treasury Secretary Geithner.

The Academy Awards are a triumph for Slumdog Millionaire, which wins eight Oscars, only to have them stolen by Somali pirates.

In sports, the Pittsburgh Steelers win the Super Bowl, defeating some team in a game that we have all completely forgotten. Michael Phelps is suspended from competitive swimming following publication of a photograph clearly showing that he has gills. Baseball star Alex Rodriguez admits that from 2001 through 2003 he used steroids, which he claims he got from Treasury Secretary Geithner.

And speaking of shocking disclosures, in . . .

MARCH

. . . an angry nation learns that the giant insurance company AIG, which received $170 billion in taxpayer bailouts and posted a $61 billion loss, is paying executive bonuses totaling hundreds of millions of dollars. This news shocks and outrages President Obama and members of Congress, who happen to be the very people who passed the legislation that authorized both the bailouts and the bonuses, but of course they did that during a crisis and thus had no time to find out what the hell they were voting for.

To correct this situation, some congresspersons propose a 90 percent tax on the bonuses, followed by beheadings, followed by the passage of tough new financial legislation that nobody in Congress will read or understand.

In other economic news, the CEO of GM resigns under pressure from the White House, which notes that it inherited the automobile crisis from the Bush administration. GM is now essentially a subsidiary of the federal government, which promises to use its legendary business and marketing savvy to get the crippled auto giant back on its feet, starting with an exciting new lineup of cars such as the Chevrolet Consensus, a “green” car featuring a compressed-soybean chassis, the world’s first engine powered entirely by dew, and a 14,500-page owner’s manual, accompanied by nearly 6,000 pages of amendments.

Businessman Bernard Madoff pleads guilty to bilking investors out of $65 billion in a Ponzi scheme, forcing the Obama administration to withdraw his nomination for secretary of commerce.

The annual observance of Earth Hour is observed with one hour of symbolic energy conservation as hundreds of millions of non-essential lights and appliances are turned off. And that’s just in Al Gore’s house.

In sports and entertainment news, former NFL great Lawrence Taylor, appearing on Dancing With the Stars, accidentally rips off his partner’s arms during the cha-cha competition. The judges award Taylor 453 points out of a possible 30, citing his “energy” and “proximity.”

Abroad, North Korea, in what many observers view as a deliberate act of provocation, calls Domino’s and, posing as the United States, orders 23 million pizzas delivered to Japan.

International problems continue to dominate in . . .

APRIL

. . . as leaders of the world’s powers, looking for a way out of the worsening world economic crisis, gather in London for the G-20 summit, which ends abruptly in a violent argument over the bill for the welcoming dinner. A short while later, in what many economists see as a troubling development, the International Monetary Fund moves into a refrigerator carton.

In other international bad news, North Korea launches a test missile that experts say is capable of hitting Hawaii, based on the fact that it actually hits Hawaii. The United States swiftly pledges to issue a strongly worded condemnation containing “even stronger words than last time.”

On the domestic front, the struggling Chrysler Corp. declares bankruptcy, but its CEO confidently predicts that the company will come back “bigger, better and stronger than ever” thanks to its 2010 product line, spearheaded by the all-new Dodge Despair.

The big health story in April is the rapid spread of swine flu, a dangerous new virus strain developed by the makers of Purell. Public anxiety over the flu increases when Vice President Joe Biden, demonstrating his gift for emitting statements, declares on the Today show that he would not recommend traveling by commercial airplane or subway. A short while later, White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs assures reporters that he is “not aware of any `Vice President Joe Biden.’ ”

In another embarrassment for the White House, New York is temporarily thrown into a panic when Air Force One flies low over Manhattan for a publicity photo shoot. Responding to widespread criticism, Gibbs notes that President Obama inherited Air Force One from the Bush administration.

On a more positive note, an American ship captain is dramatically rescued from Somali pirates by a team of Navy SEAL sharpshooters, who are immediately hired by Dancing With the Stars to assist with the judging of Lawrence Taylor.

Speaking of drama, in . . .

MAY

. . . the finale of American Idol produces a shocking outcome that sends shock waves of shock reverberating around the planet when the winner turns out to be — incredibly — that guy singer, whatshisname, despite the fact that the overwhelming favorite was that OTHER guy singer. Congress vows to hold hearings after reports surface that, of the nearly 100 million votes, 73 million were phoned in by ACORN.

But the big political drama takes place in Washington, where David Souter announces that he is retiring from the Supreme Court because he is tired of getting noogies from Chief Justice Roberts. To replace Souter, President Obama nominates Sonia Sotomayor, setting off the traditional Washington performance of Konfirmation Kabuki, in which the Democrats portray the nominee as basically a cross between Abraham Lincoln and the Virgin Mary, and the Republicans portray her more as Ursula the Sea Witch with a law degree. Sotomayor will eventually be confirmed, but only after undergoing the traditional Senate Judiciary Committee hazing ritual, during which she must talk for four straight days without expressing an opinion.

In crippled U.S. auto giant news, General Motors announces a new business plan under which it will fire everybody but Howie Long, who will continue to make what GM calls “some of the most popular commercials on the market.” Meanwhile Chrysler, looking to the future, invests $114 million in an Amway distributorship.

On the international-tension front, a meeting of the United Nations Security Council to discuss possible sanctions against North Korea is forced to adjourn hastily when the council chamber is penetrated by a missile.

In sports, Helio Castroneves wins the Indianapolis 500, although his victory is somewhat tainted by the fact that all 32 of the other cars were hijacked by Somali pirates. Major League Baseball suspends Dodger slugger Manny Ramirez for 50 games after his urine sample explodes.

But all of these stories suddenly seem unimportant in . . .

JUNE

. . . when pop superstar Michael Jackson dies, setting off an orgy of frowny-face TV-newsperson fake somberness the likes of which has not been seen since the Princess Diana Grief-a-Palooza. At one point experts estimate that the major networks are using the word “icon” a combined total of 850 times per hour. Larry King devotes several weeks to in-depth coverage of this story, during which he conducts what is believed to be the first-ever in-casket interview; this triumph is marred only slightly by the fact that the venerable TV personality apparently believes he is talking to Bette Midler.

On the economic front, California is caught on videotape attempting to shoplift 17,000 taxpayers from Nevada. General Motors files for bankruptcy and announces a new sales strategy under which it will go around at night leaving cars in people’s driveways, then sprinting away.

In political news, the Minnesota Supreme Court, clearly exhausted by months of legal wrangling, declares Al Franken the winner of American Idol. Meanwhile the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, goes missing for six days; his spokesperson tells the press that the governor is “hiking the Appalachian trail,” which turns out to be a slang term meaning “engaging in acts of an explicitly non-gubernatorial nature with a woman in Argentina.” The state legislature ultimately considers impeaching Sanford, but changes its mind upon discovering that the lieutenant governor, who got into office through some slick legal maneuvering when nobody was paying attention, is Eliot Spitzer.

Political news continues to dominate in . . .

JULY

. . . when Sarah Palin unexpectedly announces that she will not complete her term as elected governor of Alaska, explaining, in a prepared statement, that she has a hair appointment. Asked by reporters if she plans to seek the Republican presidential nomination, she replies, “You leave my personal life out of this.” Elsewhere in state politics, the FBI arrests pretty much every elected official in New Jersey on suspicion of being New Jersey elected officials.

On Independence Day the nation takes a welcome break from its worries to celebrate in traditional fashion with barbecues, parades and — as night falls — spectacular aerial North Korean missile detonations.

In government news, top Washington thinkers, looking for a way to goose the economy along, come up with the “Cash for Clunkers” program, under which the federal government provides a financial inducement for people to take functional cars, which are mostly American-made, to car dealers, who deliberately destroy these cars and sell the people new replacement cars, which are mostly foreign-made. This program, which was budgeted for $1 billion, ends up costing $3 billion and is halted after a month. The administration declares that it has been a huge success, which everybody understands to mean that it will never, ever be repeated. With this mission accomplished, the top Washington thinkers are free to train all of their brainpower on the nation’s health-care system.

President Obama becomes embroiled in controversy when, commenting on the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. by Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley, he states that the police “acted stupidly.” This comment angers many in the law-enforcement community, as the president discovers the next day when his motorcade is cited for more than 3,000 moving violations. To resolve the situation, the president invites both Gates and Crowley to the White House for a “beer summit,” which is described later by White House spokesperson Gibbs as “very amicable” except for some “minor tasering.”

Speaking of conflict, in . . .

AUGUST

. . . President Obama, in the first serious test of his presidency, announces that he will send U.S. troops to rescue Democratic members of Congress pinned down in town hall meetings by constituents firing hostile questions concerning the administration’s health-care plan, which turns out not to be wildly popular outside of the immediate Capitol Hill area. The president dismisses concerns that his health-care agenda is in trouble, observing that “there’s something about August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee-weed up.” White House spokesperson Gibbs explains that the “vast majority” of the wee-wee was inherited from the Bush administration.

In foreign affairs, former president Bill Clinton goes to North Korea to secure the release of two detained American journalists who purely by coincidence happen to be women. Fidel Castro, after nearly a year out of the public eye, appears on the popular Cuban television show Bailando con Cadáveres (“Dancing With Corpses”).

California, in a move apparently intended to evade creditors, has its name legally changed to “South Oregon.”

In an alarming technological development, hackers shut down Twitter, leaving a desperate and suddenly vulnerable America with no way to find out what the Kardashian sisters are having for lunch. The Federal Emergency Management Agency urges the nation to “remain calm” and “use Facebook if you can.” Twitter service is eventually restored, but most of the estimated 875 million thoughts that went untweeted during the outage will never be recovered, making it the nation’s worst social-networking disaster ever.

Speaking of disruptions,in . . .

SEPTEMBER

. . . President Obama, speaking on health care before a joint session of Congress, is rudely interrupted by Kanye West, who grabs the microphone and declares that Beyoncé has a better health-care plan. No, wait, sorry: The president is rudely interrupted by Republican congressperson Joe Wilson, who shouts “You lie!” Wilson later apologizes for his breach of congressional etiquette, saying, “I should have just mooned him.”

With public support for the administration’s health-care plan continuing to slip, the president orders U.S. troops into Fox News, then goes on a media blitz, appearing, in a three-day span, on Meet the Press, Face the Nation, Meet the Nation, Face the Press, Press Your Face Against the Nation, Letterman, Leno, Judge Judy, Iron Chef and Dog the Bounty Hunter. The president also delivers a back-to-school speech to the nation’s students, telling them to work hard and get a good education. Fortunately, thanks to the vigilance of the talk-radio community, many parents realize that this is some kind of secret socialist code message and are able to prevent their children from being exposed to it.

In international news, Iran shocks the world by revealing the existence of a previously secret uranium enrichment facility. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists that the uranium will be used only for “parties.” United Nations nuclear inspectors note, however, that “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad” can be rearranged to spell “Had Jammed a Humanoid” and “Hounded a Jihad Mamma.”

On the international-finance front, leaders of the world’s economic powers gather for the G-20 summit meeting in Pittsburgh, where, in a rare display of unity, they vote unanimously to fire whoever is responsible for selecting their meeting sites.

Speaking of questionable site selection, in . . .

OCTOBER

. . . the International Olympic Committee meets in Copenhagen to choose whether Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo or Madrid will host the 2016 summer games. Chicago is considered a strong candidate, but despite personal appeals for the city from President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Mayor Richard Daley, Oprah Winfrey and the late Al Capone, the committee — in an unexpected decision — votes to hold the games in Pyongyang, North Korea. The head of the IOC insists that the decision was “made freely and without coercion,” adding, “for the love of God please abort the launch.”

On a happier note for the White House, President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly edging out Beyoncé.

In the Middle East, hopes for peace soar when Iran announces that it will allow U.N. inspectors to visit its nuclear-enrichment facility. Hopes plunge soon after when the inspectors report that they were taken to what appears to be a hastily abandoned kebab stand with a hand-painted sign that says “NUCLEAR ENRICHMENT,” as well as what the inspectors describe as “numerous health-code violations.”

In Afghanistan, U.N. investigators raise questions about the recent national election, noting that a third of the votes cast for President Hamid Karzai came from Palm Beach County.

On the celebrity front, a remorseful David Letterman confesses to his stunned audience that he has been hiking the Appalachian Trail with female staff members.

But the big story in October, the story that grips the nation the way a dog grips a rancid squirrel, is the mesmerizing drama of a silver balloon racing through the blue skies above central Colorado, desperately pursued by police, aviation and rescue personnel who have been led to believe that the balloon contains O.J. Simpson.

No, that would have been great, but the authorities in fact have been led to believe that the balloon contains 6-year-old Falcon Heene, the son of exactly the kind of parents you would expect to name a child “Falcon.” It quickly becomes clear that the boy is not in the balloon, and the whole thing is a hoax perpetrated by attention-seeking reality-show-wannabe idiots. In other words, nothing really happened, so naturally the media go into a weeklong Category 5 frenzy so intensive that Larry King is forced to temporarily interrupt his ongoing postmortem coverage of the Michael Jackson funeral.

Speaking of attention-seeking reality-show-wannabe idiots,in . . .

NOVEMBER

. . . a Washington couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, penetrate heavy security and enter the White House, a feat that Joe Biden has yet to manage. As details of the incident emerge, an embarrassed Secret Service is forced to admit that not only did the couple crash a state dinner, but they also met and shook hands with the president, and they “may have served briefly in the cabinet.”

In other White House news, the president, in a much-debated post-Thanksgiving decision, announces that he is sending U.S. troops into the electronics departments of 1,400 Best Buy stores to prevent Black Friday shoppers from killing each other over flat-screen TVs. Hours later the president withdraws the troops, calling the situation “hopeless.” Press Secretary Gibbs notes that the president inherited Black Friday from the Bush administration.

Attorney General Eric Holder announces that, to maintain the principle of due legal process, alleged Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be tried in federal court in New York City, but as a precaution, “he will be executed first.”

In sports, the New York Yankees, after an eight-year drought, purchase the World Series. But the month’s big sports story involves Tiger Woods, who, plagued by tabloid reports that he has been hiking the Appalachian trail with a nightclub hostess, is injured in a bizarre late-night incident near his Florida home when his SUV is attacked by golf-club-wielding Somali pirates.

In science news:

• The Large Hadron Collider is restarted after a 14-month delay caused by squirrels stealing the particles.

• Elated NASA scientists announce that they have discovered ice on the moon, although their excitement fades when they calculate that getting it back to Earth will cost $185 million per cube.

• Researchers from MIT and Harvard announce that they have sequenced the genome of a horse. They are arrested when police discover that “sequencing the genome” is the scientific slang equivalent of “hiking the Appalachian trail.”

In a troubling economic development, the U.S. dollar, for the first time in history, falls below the lentil.

Speaking of troubling, in . . .

DECEMBER

. . . President Obama, after weeks of pondering what to do about the pesky war situation he inherited, announces a decision — widely viewed as a compromise — in which he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan, but will name their mission “Operation Gentle Butterfly.”

On the economic front, the nation’s unemployment rate remains stubbornly high as it becomes clear that the $787 billion stimulus package has created a total of only eight jobs, all in the field of highway-construction flagperson. Looking for solutions, the president hosts a White House “jobs summit” attended by political, business and labor leaders, as well as 23 Portuguese tourists who got lost while trying to visit the Washington Monument and somehow penetrated White House security. Meanwhile, in what is believed to be the largest Craigslist transaction ever, California sells San Diego to Mexico.

On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns.

In the Middle East, U.N. nuclear inspectors become suspicious when Iran attempts to ship to Israel, via UPS, a large crate labeled “HARMLESS ITEMS — DELIVER BEFORE TIMER REACHES 00:00.”

There are other troubling year-end developments:

• In a setback for U.S. interests in Central America, voters in Honduras elect, as their new president, Rod Blagojevich.

• The International Space Station is taken over by Somali pirates.

• In sports, roughly 40 percent of the U.S. bimbo population announces that it has at one time or another hiked the Appalachian Trail with Tiger Woods.

Also, as the year draws to a close, the Centers for Disease Control releases an urgent bulletin warning of a new, fast-spreading epidemic consisting of severe, and in some cases life-threatening, arm infections caused by “people constantly sneezing into their elbow pits.”

But despite all the gloomy news, the holiday season brings at least temporary relief to a troubled nation — especially the children, millions of whom go to sleep on Christmas Eve with visions of Santa in his reindeer-powered sleigh flying high overhead, spreading joy around the world.

With a North Korean missile flying right behind.

Try not to think about it. And happy New Year.

Love, Amanda

(To mis-quote that little girl from POLTERGEIST, ” It’s HEEERE!”)

Are we ready for the lights

and the cards

and the tinsel

and the angst

and the carols

and the carols

and the carols

??????

Tape your ankles, shoppers, the time has come again.

And I have BARELY finished putting away the Halloween candy…

…or picking the turkey and pumpkin pie  from my teeth…

(that was Thanksgiving Day in my front yard.)

I had a small, quiet,  wonderful,  and warm  Thanksgiving this year.  I actually rode my bike through  this little town under 70 degree sunshine and bright blue skies, listening to the sound of  football from various windows, smelling  turkey wafting  through the trees. My smile muscles were aching. I hope yours were too.

Whew…the time has WHIPPED by since last I typed!

I have been  in Savannah  to celebrate the 100th birthday of Johnny Mercer

(That’s me and  the fabulous Nancy Mercer, Johnny’s niece at his grave in the sexiest graveyard I have ever experienced. Face it, Savannah is one sexy city!)

I have been to the Berkshires AGAIN ( July 4th wasn’t enough.) This time Michele and I got to experience a true eastern Autumn.

AND  we got to  share our beloved Brel music with a truly appreciative group of Berkshire-ites. This was a grand experiment for me.

I was nervous. I was doing  the very first evening  ever of just me  (and the divine Michele Brourman ) singing all the Brel songs I have known and loved for so long. Not a note of McBroom. No comfort zone here. Would people like it? Would it be too dramatic? Would it be too FRENCH?????

Would it need all the orchestral bells and whistles that my CHANSON CD  has in spades? Could we pull it off, just a voice and a piano?

I was  DEPENDS nervous! I was I -shouldn’t -have -eaten -that -sandwich nervous!

I walked out on that stage with all these  strange faces before me and all this history behind and remembered Debbie Reynolds’ words to me at the Golden Globes so very long ago. She said…”Lamaze, baby! Lamaze! Big deep  breaths!” So I breathed and I opened my mouth and ….it was a hurricane!

It was a BLAST!

They loved it!!!

At one point I told the story of how I first heard Brel in San Francisco at theMarines Memorial Theatre and how I loved the show so much and saw it 7 times and then one of the women in the show left and I auditioned and was cast and changed my life forever.

After the concert, my beloved pal Teri Ralston came up and said,”You know the woman you replaced in San Francisco? That was ME!!!”

She went off to do a little show called A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC on Broadway. God bless her!

THEN  Michele and I headed to  crispy, autumnal Manhattan for a week of  singing Brel at the Metropolitan Room.

The concerts  there were wonderful. The review in the NY Times was wonderful.

The party David Zipple gave for me in his awesome penthouse on Central Park West was BEYOND wonderful.

And then I came home and the concert here in Los Angeles at the MOST prestigious Catalina’s Jazz Club was BEYOND wonderful.

And then…

I went to Las Vegas where I saw the Divine Miss Midler  at Caesar’ Palace sing my song for several thousand people waving their  lighted cel phones and singing along. What an amazing experience!

Life is my new caffeine!!!!

And now it’s holiday time, and I a, beyond ready. I love this time of year. I love remembering beloveds, and hearing from people all over the world who are sending thoughts of love.

I am writing cards and knitting scarves for my pals in cold climes. Yes…I knit.

This scarf is my current favorite.

And this is my favorite shaggy dog story of the moment….

A dark and stormy night…..


Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania.

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard.  Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.  Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail!  The car swerves and smashes into a tree. 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog  Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.  After a short while, he sees a light.  He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.  He approaches the door and knocks. 

A minute passes.  A small, hunched man opens the door.  Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.  We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.  Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone.  My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!” 
Bob brings his wife 

An older man comes down the stairs.  ”I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you.  I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. 

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.  For it is here that he has always found solace.  He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. 

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.  Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat!  He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! 

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master: 
”Master, Master! ….. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Handy Hint department…

This  may  be useful to  know

when  grocery shopping, if it’s a concern to  you.

The  whole world is afraid of China-made “black hearted  goods”.

Can you differentiate which one is made in Taiwan or  China ?

If the first 3 digits of  the barcode are 690, 691 or  692, the product  is MADE IN CHINA.

471  is Made in Taiwan  …

Remember if the  first 3 digits are:

690-692then  it is MADE IN CHINA .

00 -  09USA&  CANADA

30 -  37FRANCE

40 -  44GERMANY

47  … Taiwan

49JAPAN

50UK

And then there is this piece of wisdom. Who knew????

Subject: The Amazing Cucumber

The Amazing Cucumber  
 
 This information was in The New York Times several weeks ago as part of their “Spotlight on the Home” series that highlighted creative and fanciful ways to solve common problems.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber.  Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower?  Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds?  Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long.  The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool?  Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite.  Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache?  Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free.  Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge?  Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don’t have enough time to polish your shoes?  Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge?  Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don’t have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa?  Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don’t have gum or mints?  Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a ‘green’ way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?  Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won’t leave streaks and won’t harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake?  Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

They left one out. But who’s counting?

Culture  Suggestions….

BOOKS: Guernsey Literary and Sweet Potato Pie Society…very sweet.

MOVIES: THE GOLDEN DOOR… Italian, set in Sicily, turn of the century, GORGEOUS!

AND “Accentuate the Positive…the life of Johnny Mercer” documentary is awesome!

As is the HBO special  of the 25th Anniversary of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame !

MUSIC: Abagail Washburn and Bela Fleck – The Sparrow Quartet - art and banjos, who knew????

And finally…

My favorite words of wisdom for December

1. Read with an open heart

2.  No man or woman is
 worth your tears, & the  one who is, won’t make you
 cry.

3.  Just because someone doesn’t love you the way
>  you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love
 you with all they have.

4.  A true friend is someone who reaches for your  hand
 & touches your  heart.

5.  The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting  right
 beside them knowing you can’ t have  them 
>

6.  Never frown, even when you are sad, because you
 never know who is falling in love with your  smile.

7.  To the world you may be one person, but to one
  person you may be the
  world.

8.  Don’t waste your time on someone, who isn’t
  willing to waste their time on
  you.

9.  Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people  before
 meeting the right one, so that when we  finally meet the
 person, we will know how to be  grateful.

10.  Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it
  happened.

11.  There’s always going to be people that hurt you
  so what you have to do is keep on trusting &  just be
> more careful about who you trust next  time
  around…

12.  Make yourself a better person & know who you
  are before you try & know someone else &  expect
them to know  you.

13.  Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you
  least expect them  to.

I wish you and yours a beautiful, loving holiday, whatever you are celebrating!

Much love,

Amanda

PS!!!! Here is a great idea:

When doing your CHRISTMAS cards this year, take one card and send it to this address.  If we pass this on and everyone sends one card, think of how many cards these wonderful special people who have sacrificed so much would get. When you are making out your card list this year, please include the following:

A Recovering American Soldier

c/o Walter Reed Army Medical  Center

6900 Georgia Avenue,NW

Washington,D.C. 20307-5001

If you approve, please pass it on.

MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR.

geese across the sunset sky…

AUTUMN  IN THE AIR!

THE Eastern leaves  aflame with all those astonishing colors. The Western leaves just aflame…at least if you live in Southern California.

A strange impulse grabs me every time the calendar flips. I want to grab   the nearest sweater and long socks and fixate on pumpkins and other squash.

I have to keep reminding myself that California burns down until November.

As the ghosts of trees and small creatures float down across my back yard as yet ANOTHER canyon goes up in flames,  bitter sweet is the word from here.  Tragedy makes strange bedfellows.

But aside from the flames,  September and October have been a  couple of wonderful months.

There was the delightful visit of the New Jersey songbird, Miss Wendy Lane Bailey, who made her California debut at Hollywood’s own Club Gardenia. The ever astonishing Michele Brourman was her music director, and the show was FANTASTIC! She will be bringing this fabulous show to New York in February. I SO highly recommend.

Here is a photo of Wendy of the alabaster skin (obviously, she is from the East!), with her musical aunties…Michele, me, and Melissa Manchester.   A happy group.

Then I had the  unique experience of producing a concert  for myself in Ojai at the gorgeous Ojai Presbyterian Church…best acoustics in the Southland. It was my experiment…an evening of all Jacques Brel songs to celebrate the release of CHANSON, my sexy new CD.

It was wild. 106 degrees outside. TWO members of the congregation had the misfortune to DIE during the week preceding, and BOTH their memorials were at the church the day of the concert.  So we were hard pressed to load out the lilies and load  in all the sound equipment and lights and  set up the band and sound check and rehearse. About 8 hours of tech in 1 and 1/2 hours. Somehow ,through the blessing of the Universe and the patience of a wonderful tech staff, and the best musicians in the world, we got ‘er done, the place sold out, and we rocked the rafters! It was a wonderful confirmation of my belief that Brel is as  powerful now as it was some decades ago when FIRST I learned to sing in  Phlegmish.

(That’s ME in “Brel”  1970 in San Francisco. Talk about a HAIR ACT!!!)

Then I had the privilege of  seeing the amazing Marilyn Maye at Catalina’s in Los Angeles.

I had heard about her for years, of course, but had never seen her. My old pal Billy Stritch was playing for her and we had to go. It was  probably the best evening of vocal jazz I have ever had the joy of experiencing. The woman is what…81?…and sings like  she’s 40 and at the top of her game. Such phrasing, such taste,  such perfect pitch, and pace, and breathing. And can she MOVE in those 4 inch heels…dancing all over the place!   In her I have discovered my supreme jazz heroine.

You know how you feel when you see someone  do something you know you can NEVER do  (jazz is SO not my forte) and all you can do is  smile and shake your head? My head is STILL shaking!

And Mr. Stritch was no slouch either! He has come a long way since the first time we met in Houston at the Montrose City Hall, when  he was 19 and already a piano monster, and I had just shed my spandex and corset for a tuxedo.

And then my latest adventure. Actually, I am writing this from the air in the middle of it. I just finished being a part of the first night of the Cabaret Convention in  New York City. And what a night! A gorgeous venue, to begin with. The Rose Room  at Columbus Circle. TASTY!!!! Brilliant sound. Brilliant lights. Brilliant company.

I was sharing space with Andrea Marcovicci and Karen Mason and Brian Stokes Mitchell and Weslia Whitfield and this astonishing young man , just turning 18, named Nicholas King…the next Michael Buble. Mark my words.

And also, the greatest piano players in New York, which pretty much means the greatest players in the country.

Chris Denny and Ted Firth and Mike Renzi and Shelly Markham and more… if you don’t know their names, you have heard their glorious fingers. And of course, my own beloved Joel Silberman. Our first time to perform together in a couple of years.

AND I got to share a dressing room with…wait for it….Marilyn Maye!!!!( She told me she sings The Rose all the time at weddings and funerals. I bet she gives it quite the twist!) She winds up being as great a broad in the dressing room as she is on stage.   What a gift!!!!

One thing she said to me has  stayed with me. We were talking about her being 80 and how she is bemused by it and how  she stays up on those heels. And she said you always have to keep MOVING. Sit down and you rot.

She lives in a multi-story house in Kansas City and she said whenever she hears  her friends have sold their houses with stairs for ones without, she knows the end is rear. “They start to shuffle almost immediately.” So…STAIRS, everybody, STAIRS!!!

And speaking of things that say wow! For those of you that might not know, I am a roller coaster junky.

I am not that fond of things that go round and round and make you vomit, but up and down makes me happy. So I thought I would share with you these photos of a new coaster that someone sent me. The last photo says it all.

So what lies ahead?

Aside from Christmas cards.

Oh #$%^%%$#!!!!

How can that be??? As the beautiful Kitty Carlysle Hart said when asked, in her 90-somethingth year, “Ms. Hart. Does it seem to you that time keeps going faster?”  she replied, “Darling. Every fifteen minutes it’s breakfast!”

Aside from that…New York! The Metropolitan Room end o’ October.

The Berkshires! October 23 & 24. I get to see some real leaves!

Hollywood at last!I am singing at Catalina’s on November 4th.

I have ALWAYS wanted to play that room. It’s a big old classy barn. So LA Pals, come on out and fill it for me, please!

Wolftrap November 14th, with Master Classes in DC on the 15th, with the divine Michele Brourman and me waxing wise. This is going to  be  cool, as Michele is going to also coach accompanists on the art of handling singers.

(Somewhat akin to taming a wild mustang on meth.)

And then Christmas cards.

Sigh.

So…

My new environmental piece of advice…no quilted toilet paper!

They only use old growth forest to make it. It seems a sin to wipe your butt with the lungs of our earth anyway…but at least recyled.

My cultural discoveries:

Movies:

A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT…French and visually amazing and very touching

DISTRICT 9…more than sci fi from South Africa. Wow!

STILL CRAZY…an oldie but a goodie about a retired rock band trying to revive. Bill Nighy is absolutely awesome! And does all his own singing.

Books:

EVIDENCE  OF THINGS UNSEEN  by MaryAnn Wiggins…TOTALLY gorgeous!

Favorite You Tube video: sand paiting video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=518XP8prwZo

My favorite shaggy dog story. And appropriate I think, in these days when a negative attitude is SO in fashion:

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome?   Why would anyone want to go there?  It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to  Rome.   So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.”    That’s a terrible airline.. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.    So, where are you staying in  Rome ?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on  Rome’s  Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.

“We’re going to go to see the  Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope..”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.     Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to  Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really!  What’d he say?”

He said: “Who fucked up your hair?”

Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite Aussie article. I DO love the folks from Oz. Texans on steroids:

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

—————————————–

Q:  Does it ever get windy in  Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )

A:  We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

—————————————–

Q:  Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:  Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

—————————————–

Q:  I want to walk from Perth to  Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A:  Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

—————————————–

Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? ( UK )

A:  What did your last slave die of?

—————————————–

Q:  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A:  A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

.. oh, forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

—————————————–

Q:  Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )

A:  Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

—————————————–

Q:  Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:  Why?  Just use your fingers like we do…

—————————————–

Q:  Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA)

A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings

Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

—————————————–

Q:  Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A:  You are a British politician, right?

—————————————–

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

—————————————–

Q:  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A:  Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make  good pets.

—————————————–

Q:  I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A:  It’s called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

—————————————–

Q:  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in  Australia ? ( USA )

A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

—————————————–

Q:  Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (  Italy )

A:  Yes, gay night clubs.

—————————————–

Q:  Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )

A:  Only at Christmas.

—————————————–

Q:  Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A:  Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

—————————————–

And speaking of  learning English…

my favorite ironic photos…

And finally…my dear pal Michele visited Port Townsend Washington lately, and sent this to me…

In this tiny harbor town, on the farthest north-eastern corner of the Olympic Peninsula, we saw a small group of women and men standing last Monday morning.  They had a flyer available, which I picked up.

Here’s what it said:

WOMEN IN BLACK, PORT TOWNSEND

WE STAND IN SILENCE because words cannot express the tragedy that war and hatred bring.

WE STAND IN BLACK, in mourning for lives broken or lost through violent acts in wars across the world.

WE STAND IN WITNESS to the suffering of victims of violence and war.

WE STAND IN SOLIDARITY with people all over the world who struggle for justice and peace.

WE STAND CONVINCED that the world’s citizens can learn the difference between justice and vengeance and that we will together insist that our leaders employ nonviolent means to resolve conflict.

WE STAND FOR JUSTICE

WE STAND FOR PEACE

Keep the Faith!!!!

Love, Amanda

Oh, it’s glamorous.  The jack hammers, the flower shops, the smell of Italian sausage sandwiches, the drunks peeing out the window above the  theatre.  It’s the big time!
I have finally joined my boy friend George in the  run of Jacques Brel in New York.

I am over the moon!

After OUR show downs stairs every night, there are shows UP stairs.  With people like Nina Simone (cranky!) and  a young up and coming singer/songwriter named Harry Chapin, who keeps coming down and asking us to PLEEEEESE come up and clap for him because there is an agent in the house.  We are delighted to oblige.

And THEN, one night, as we walk out on stage, who is sitting at the prime table but Bob Hope!  We all try to pretend we don’t see him.  Hard to do. We give a smashing show, I say modestly.  He seems to like it.

Afterwards he himself comes back stage to the teeny tiny dressing room we share and RAVES about the show and us and invites us all out to Luchow’s for dinner.

LUCHOW’S!!!  I have read about Luchow’s.  High cotton, Luchow’s.
So we go, and he is the warmest, kindest, most interested person and wants to know all there is to know about each one of about us.
He used to live down the street from me in Toluca Lake.  He lived in the mansions on the side of the lake where the swans were.  I lived where the mud hens swam.  But I always felt we were neighbors, though we had never met.
We finally met, and he gave us all a night we will never forget.
God bless you, Bob!

I am in Amsterdam for the very first time. I own a passport!!!! I have flown in a plane for more than four hours! People are speaking a language that SOUNDS like English, only with words like “astyublieft”. That’s how it sounds to me. (I THINK that means, “you’re welcome”. It could mean, ”Come sleep with my horse.”)

I am a member of the International production of “Jacques Brel Is Alive…”

Two big old Dutch stars and my flame, George Ball, and me.

The man is a smallish Ian Holmsian actor named Henk VanUlsen. Very big in Dutch Theatre. And Dutch drinking institutions.

.The lady is the Liza Minelli of Holland, a long and gorgeous drink of water named Liselore Gerritson. Voice like Marlene and legs like Uma Thurman. I like her a lot. I have no idea what she thinks of me. I always feel Europeans look at me as if I were an untrained golden retriever. Cheerful and in need occasionally of a slight whacking with a rolled up newspaper

Our first day of rehearsal, I am BEYOND intimidated. Here are people who minimally speak five languages. You HAVE to if you live in Holland. I have barely learned New York. (Three years of high school Spanish is of no help here. Dutch is NOT a romance language.)

We sing through the score…watching each other with that cautious camaraderie of a first day rehearsal with people you have never met…from another COUNTRY! There is good coffee and interesting carbohydrates on the table.

The band is rocking. Comforting to know that Dutch musicians are just as crazy, and STONED, as New York musicians. The 70’s, remember? Hallucinogenics are almost legal over here in the land of impossibly long summer nights and impossible short and bitter winter days.

Liselore sings through all her numbers. She is the Star and is supposed to get all the great songs. After the break, she says to me “Here. YOU take all the beautiful songs. They don’t sound good in Dutch.” She’s right. They sound like a sore throat.

I am delighted to have songs like MARIEKE and NO LOVE YOU’RE NOT ALONE. She’s doing all the ballsy stuff.

THEN I find out SHE is going to sing CAROUSEL , the fastest and most insane number in the show, in DUTCH, and I have to sing back up for her, also in Dutch. And there are LOTS of words in the back up arrangement for this song. Most of the words sound like a person gargling razor blades. I seem to recall the words IN DER ZONE being repeated over and over. I am not IN DER ZONE at all. Learning Dutch phonetically is a pitiable experience. I sweat bullets over this one throughout the rehearsal process. All the Dutch folk keep throwing very strange looks at me. Are my vowel sounds inappropriate? Can I even make one over all the saliva produced by their consonants????

Miraculously, on opening night, I was tight, I was right, I was perfect! I got a hug from her and a large beer from Henk and realized I was now officially an international entertainer. Whew!

(AND I learned how to say “FAR OUT” in Dutch. It came in very handy throughout the city and the 70’s.)

Walter Leland Cronkite, Jr. (November 4, 1916 – July 17, 2009)^[2][3][4] was an American broadcast journalist, best known as anchorman for the CBS Evening News for 19 years (1962–81). During the heyday of CBS News in the 1960s and 1970s, he was often cited as “the most trusted man in America” after being so named in an opinion poll.^[5][6][7] Although he reported many events from 1937 to 1981, including bombing in World War II, the Nuremberg trials, combat in the Vietnam War,^[8] the death of President John F. Kennedy, Watergate, and the Iran Hostage Crisis, he was known for extensive TV coverage of the U.S. space program, from Project Mercury to the Moon landings (with co-host Wally Shirra), to the Space Shuttle. He was the only non-NASA recipient of a Moon-rock award. The Beatles‘ first American TV broadcast was with Walter Cronkite.

How can August be  sighing to a close

and September panting just behind the door?

I  just celebrated my birthday, for heaven’s sake.

But I shan’t complain. Life is good!

This is my new philosophy!

And what a fine birthday it was, too.

Celebrated in the green, moist, spectacular beauty of Pennsylvania on a perfect summer afternoon, in a 17th century stone farmhouse on the Delaware River shaded by giant elms, with fireflies in the yard, thunderstorms crossing the horizon, a platinum sunset, a table full of fine wines and delicious home cooking, and the company of joyous friends.

That’s me with  my pal Garrett Brown, the silliest , and probably smartest man I know.

We are MELLOW!

What a  fabulous time it has been since last I typed. Considering the state of the rest of the world, I am truly grateful for the joy and satisfactions of the last few months.
After  the amazement of Tuscany ( last G&G column…AND we are going to be doing it again NEXT May, in case anyone wants to come sing in the hills of Chianti…keep your eye on the website…)

…we traveled to Scotland to celebrate George’s birthday in the home of our beloved friend Connie Ward, deep in the heart of Perthshire.

This is her house:

This is her house with sheep:

This is dear Connie  giving George his birthday basket. There is Scotch in there somewhere:

It was like stepping  into a Merchant Ivory novel.  There is something to be said for manners and quiet elegance. I don’t experience it much, and it feeds my soul. Thank you, Connie

AND THEN… The BERKSHIRES!!!!

I had never been to the Berkshires. I had heard about them for years from all my East Coast friends… Tanglewood, Williamstown, Jacob’s Pillow. Yeah yeah, I thought. You Easterners and your fancy shmantzcy  woods and art.
Well, darlings, it was FABULOUS!
Tanglewood is gorgeous!
ART permeates everything.  It positively REEKS with culture. I couldn’t get enough.
NOW I understand!

Michele Brourman and I were there to  do some concerts for the fine folks at Barrington Stages. We had a blast! They had a blast.

At the end of the first concert who should appear but the man who gave me my recording career long ago. Lincoln Mayorga, the man who played the piano for the  film score of THE ROSE and who said to me, “I want to do an album with you ” lo, those many years ago. He who changed my life forever.

And at the end of the  final show, who comes to joins us for after  show libations  but Marge Champion , my heroine, and Tom Jones. THE Tom Jones! Not the Welsh Tom Jones. (Although that would be okay too. He’s  a hottie!)The Texas Tom Jones. The FANTASTICS Tom Jones! I was thrilled to death!
(Obviously, so was Michele.)

Whew!

Then I went home for a couple of weeks to pack for my next adventure and to add a new member to the family.

(Spats Domino, when he’s being good. Vlad the Impaler, when he’s being naughty.)

Then off to Yale to teach with the International Cabaret Conference for ten days.
Another extraordinary experience. Spectacular students!  Wonderful teachers! Hideous dormitory mattresses (waffle irons covered in plastic.Why do they assume we will pee the beds?  Because of our age????? Strange things do happen these days, but not THAT strange. YET!)

My room mate was Tovah Feldshuh.

Need I say more????

The second night of the conference all the teachers have to  give a combined concert  for students and  anyone in New Haven who wants to attend. I was sitting in the theatre waiting for my sound check, and I  had the privilege of watching Julie Wilson, the Empress of us all, and then Pam Myers, for whom Mr. Sondheim wrote ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE, and then Rita Gardner, the ORIGINAL Louisa in FANTASTICS, as she sang TRY TO REMEMBER. I  started to weep for the joy of being in the same room with these lovely,  legendary women. I will savor these moments always.
(The teaching was pretty fun too.I like it more and more.)

I feel so lucky. Almost as lucky as HIM!

So  now I am home and back to the  garden, and the dogs and cats, and my beloved George, which makes me happy,  and the bizarre pseudo-realities of MSNBC and health care initiatives, which makes me angry and  I am facing the fact that summer is almost over.

I identify with THIS…

And this…

Here is the latest practical tip from my pal Rex. If it ever rains again in California, I am going to try this out.

Driving in a rain storm

GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour:

We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily.

This method was told by a Police friend who had experienced and confirmed it.  It is useful…even driving at night. Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during a heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the
windscreen is still bad……

In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any model will do), and miracle! All of a sudden, your visibility in front of your windscreen is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.

Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend’s life by giving him this idea..

Try it yourself and share it with your friends!

Amazingly, you still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling.  You can see where the rain bounces off the road.

It works to eliminate the “blindness” from passing semi’s spraying you, too.  Or the “kickup” if you are following a semi or car in the rain.

They ought to teach this little tip in driver’s training.. It really does work.

Here is my favorite  shaggy dog story of the moment:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Where do they all go?

Well, wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow … freeze a jolly good fellow … ”

And here’s my very favorite Letter of the Year!

THE TIMES - - Letter of the Year:

An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.  The bank
manager  thought it amusing enough to have it published in

The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ’nanoseconds’ must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused  to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which  I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1– To make an appointment to see me.
2– To query a missing payment.
3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer   is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9– To mak
e a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put  on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While  this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play  for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Can anyone identify???????

So Autumn comes, and I resolve to do my best to keep hope in the fore front and fury  in the back, and try to balance between the two. I think that must be the tango  at this time in my life  on this beautiful, beleagured planet.

When you have 7 minutes, check out this movie sent to me by Melissa Manchaester.

It is truly one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long time.

I wish you a joyous Labor Day and a glorious Fall.

And remember, as Picasso said:

Age only matters when one is aging.

Now that I have arrived at a great age, I might just as well

be twenty!

Kisses,
Amanda

San Francisco. The Marines Memorial Theater.

The Summer of Love has passed into the Autumn of  Amusement!

San Francisco is ALIVE with flower power, tie dye, free love , vegetarianism, long hair,  wide bell bottoms . I have never seen anything like this. I have just come from TEXAS, where hippies still have to run for their lives.

Even Willie has short hair!

I have been in the National production  of “ Jacques Brel Is Alive and Well…”for just over two months now. I have my Equity Card. I am in deep, SERIOUS love with the leading man My first time to really be in love with anyone but myself.

I am having the time of my life.

So one Saturday, between the matinee and evening shows, a dear friend and  a fabulous actress working at the American  Conservatory Theatre, comes  over to join us for dinner between shows. She brings her famous pumpkin bread. I like pumpkin bread. I find out it is NOTORIOUS pumpkin bread,

Nutmeg is not the ONLY spice in this pumpkin bread. Need I say more????

Any way, I decide about half way through the second show, to have a slice, thinking it will  come to life as soon as the show goes down. (This is the 60’s right? When THC is a Vitamin.)

I neglect to take into account  the ADRENALIN of performance. How it speeds up everything, including digestion.

So I come out to do my REALLY BIG , REALLY  COMPLICATED, REALLY FAST 11 o’clock number “CAROUSEL”.

And my, the lights are lovely!

And wow, the music is terrific!

And gee, my shoes look so sparkly!  You get the drift,.

I make it through the song, only a half a measure behind the band, without swallowing my tongue  and utterly terrified.

And to this day, I have never gone on stage with anything stronger than  a lemon cough drop in my system. Fools and little children….