HAPPY APRIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spring is truly here!
The miracle of rebirth…of flowers…of green…of bird song…
of young creatures of every kind…
Although I am quite fond of baby chicks and easter bunnies, what could be cuter than a baby hedge hog?????
Happy Whatever You are Celebrating!
Whether there is brisket on your table, or lamb, or tofu, or a grilled cheese sandwich, I hope you are having the loveliest of Springs.
It is Easter Sunday.
I am sitting in my garden, watching the Baltimore Orioles raid the hummingbird feeder, the quail under my roses (I call them Dan and Marilyn. They don’t seem to mind.), the carpenter bees in the wisteria, the star jasmine climbing the wall. (At night lately, with the wisteria, jasmine, and orange blossoms blossoming, it smells like a high class whore house around here.) Honies, I am in heaven!
I passed a little Spanish church as I made my way home from the farmer’s market , and there was this large cross COVERED in flowers on the lawn. I have always felt uncomfortable with the image of torture being the centerpiece for a religion (I was raised a Methodist I lapsed.), but it struck me this time, that this is symbol for the propensity of the human spirit to rise from pain to hope again and again. That idea appeals to me greatly.
Ah, Spring…
the mysteriousness of it all.
The beauty…
The weirdness…
(that is a coconut crab from Australia, where EVERYTHING will kill you. I think I prefer raccoons in my garbage!)
The romance…
(of course, sometimes love can bring painful surprises!)
And promise of things to come.
Which means the CD, CHANSON, will be web available the end of May and in a store near you ( if anyone goes to a store to buy music anymore!) in July. Barnes and Noble, here I come!
If you are in Tucson next week, I will be singing lots of songs from it at my concert at the Steinway Hall. Come on down! (Info on the concert page.)
I have recently had a remarkable time in Tucson. My dear friend Susan Claassen, who runs the wonderful INVISIBLE THEATER in Tucson…
asked me to participate in a fantastic endeavor She has founded a theatre troupe there called the Pastime Players. They are high school students and graduates with lots of special needs who have become a theater company. A documentary is being filmed about them, and I was asked to contribute a song for the film. So I picked a song Michele Brourman and I wrote lonnnnng ago, called SUCH GOOD FRIENDS. It seemed perfect for the situation. So I went to Tucson to pre-record it with the Pastime Players, and Michele and I are going to perform in concert with them on Monday, April 27 in Tucon, all of which will be filmed for the documentary.
Let me tell you , these folks are terrific! You have never met a more concentrated, attentive, loving group of performers. Some talk. Some don’t. Some move. Some don’t. They all smile. They all sing. They all love. They all give 300 % of their energy to this project. No one misses a cue because of being on their cel phone or having been to Starbucks for a triple latte. I was knocked out! I can’t wait to see them again. This is them.
I am proud to be asked to perform with them.
So what else is happening?
Teaching in Tuscany in May. SOME spaces still available. And it is going to be a blast!
Concerts at Barrington Stages in the Berkshires in July.
Teaching at Yale, with the Cabaret Conference the end of July, with all my FABULOUS friends…Tovah Feldshuh and Julie Wilson and Laurel Masse and Sally Mayes and George Hall …summer camp for show tunes! Wahoo! I am delighted!
Okay…so here are some of my favorite useful household hints and jokes and such that have crossed my screen in the last month or so…for your enjoyment
My favorite computer humor of the month:
Desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and Football 4.1/Baseball 4.1/Soccer 4.1/Tennis 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
For you pun enthusiasts ( You KNOW who you are!)
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption..
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
AMANDA’S HANDY HINT FOR APRIL
COFFEE FILTERS
Coffee filters ..who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for almost nothing.
1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make excellent covers.
2. Clean windows and mirrors. Coffee filters are lint-free so they’ll leave windows sparkling.
3. Protect China, Separate your good dishes by putting a coffee filter between each dish.
4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.
5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust.
6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.
7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter.
8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale.
9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.
10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent
the soil from going through the drainage holes.
11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter.
12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters.
13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them. Soaks out all the grease.
14. Keep in the bathroom. They makegreat “razor nick fixers.”
OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TO USE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERS
In keeping with the multi-holidays, I thought you might appreciate these…
We all know the Jewish genre of jokes. But have you ever read a gentile joke?
A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, “This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”
The salesman says, “It’s $500.”
The gentile says, “OK, I’ll l take it.”
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Two gentiles meet on the street.
The first one says, “You own your own business, don’t you? How’s it going?”
The other gentile says, “Just great! Thanks for asking!”
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Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): “My son is a construction worker!”
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): “My son is a truck driver!”
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A man calls his mother and says, “Mother, I ! know you’re expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”
His mother says, “OK.”
**********************************************************
A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.
The man says: “I’ll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We’ll both have coffee.”
The waiter asks, “How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”
The man says,”I’d like the steak medium……the salad is fine as is.”
The waiter says, “Thank you.”
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A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, “Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”
She says, “I’m feeling fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”
Two of the most mystifying photos of the month! “Splain these to me, Lucy!”
Culture recommendations:
Book: “The Impossible Musical” by Dale Wasserman. About the making of MANOF LA MANCHA. Oh my God! The horror! We should all go into the hedge fund business!
Movies: ”LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA” with Javier Bardem. Gorgeous! and…dare I say it? “TWILIGHT”. I loved it. I can’t believe I’m writing this. It turned me back into a 14 year old vampire loving teenager.
But the very best of all…
“CORALINE”. If you haven’t seen it, when it becomes rentable, you MUST! Astounding animation! And a great story.
Music: Bela Fleck “Throw Down Your Heart”. Bela’s banjo goes to Africa. Joyous and astounding.
So I leave you with these thoughts:
I’m reading more and dusting less.
I’m sitting in the yard and admiring the view
without fussing about the weeds in the garden.
I’m spending more time with my family and friends
and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savour, not to endure.
I’m trying to recognize these moments now
and cherish them.
I’m not ‘saving’ anything; we use our
good china and crystal for every special event such
as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped,
or the first Amaryllis blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market.
My theory is if I look prosperous,
I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.
I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties,
but wearing it for clerks in the hardware
store and tellers at the bank.
’Someday’ and ‘one of these days’
are losing their grip on my vocabulary.
If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing,
I want to see and hear and do it now !!
I’m not sure what others would’ve done
had they known they wouldn’t be here
for the tomorrow that we all take for granted.
I think they would have called family members and a few close friends.
They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.
I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favourite food was.
I’m guessing; I’ll never know. It’s those little things left undone
that would make me angry if I knew
my hours were limited.
Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that
I intended to write one of these days.
Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them.
I’m trying very hard not to put off,
hold back, or save anything
that would add laughter and lustre to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes,
tell myself that it is special.
……and this last image…a sign of Spring for certain
Love to you,